Inklings 2016

both the SAT and ACT no less than 12 times, we will release them

from our program and allow them to go forth into the outside world.

Now, because we have reached the end of our presentation, we must

inform potential parents about the small side effects of our schooling.

For starters, students that have been through our perfect program

have been known to have immense difficulty interacting with others,

but this sacrifice must be made in order to ensure their futures. In

addition, we have also received reports that our former students, now

at their respective colleges, have been “at a loss at how to proceed

with their lives in the outside world” or “completely unable to perform

the work required because memorization can’t help them”. Again we

must reiterate these consequences, which increase the likelihood of

dying alone, are worth it in order to ensure the fleeting satisfaction that

accompanies glancing at a nice, juicy twenty-four with two zeros after it.

Nicholas Weed, Zach Acosta

Zach Burns

hey stink! After about a week I can make a new pair of Top Siders smell

like I walked through a swamp. If I don’t have time or forget to buy a

pair of odor eaters, the greatest invention ever, I can’t bring myself to take

my shoes off around people. I’d kill them! Not only is it embarrassing,

but when everyone takes their shoes off I often remove myself from the

activity. Going swimming or to the beach is always a relief, I just dunk my

feet in the chlorinated or salty water and it’s not even noticeable. A real

problem arises, however, when everyone’s lounging around to watch a

movie, “making themselves at home,” and I still have my shoes on. People

don’t always notice the weirdo with their shoes still on, but sometimes it’s

hard tomiss. “Seriously, Zach, take your shoes off! Get comfy!” “Errrr I think

I’m good…” If I’m with good friends, I have no problem declaring that my

nuclear stench might harm them. But when it’s someone I’m less familiar

with, how am I supposed to put that?! There’s no better way to kill a mood.

I got this affliction from my dad, my parents joke. My mom will walk into

the room where we watch tv and make a face, and we instinctively point

at each other. As funny as it is, if I find out we’re having someone over, I

have to run to my room and wash my feet, which must be a pretty sad

sight. I have two methods of defunking my dogs: the first, for when I want

a deep clean, is to sit on my toilet sideways with my feet in the bathtub

and scrub scrub scrub! The second, for a quick job, is to do this sort of yoga

pose (that I’m pretty sure I invented) and stick one foot at a time in the

sink and use the powerful, fruity hand soap my mom buys. I always close

the door because I know I look ridiculous, but I also feel terrible. It’s gross!

There’s nothing wrong with my feet (besides the obvious). They’re clean,

my toe nails are pretty neat, and there’s nothing gross between my little

piggies. The source of this stank is a mystery! I guess it really could be

programmed in my genes. I would think natural selection would have

taken care of that by now, but it hasn’t! Could smelly feet be a dominant

trait that’s helped the Burns men reproduce? I won’t be around for it,

but I envision a world full of smelly feet, where no boy has to leave his

shoes on to watch tv, and the most putrid are celebrated. Well, that’s

probably a stretch, but maybe they’ll develop a vaccine for it or something.

School Students Bangkok

Felipe Urrutia (Digital Photograph)