PEEL 2019

How to Mourn by Sergio Andres Mendoza, November 25. 2018 My name is Sergio, and I am Bea’s brother. My wife Sarah died a year ago, and I wanted to share some of the ideas that have helped me. How You Feel Today First, I want to address the worst part of death, some of you might feel it right now. The pain of loss can be overwhelming. It has been for me, and I want to share how I get out of that pain. I want to share with you a prayer or as Bea might say, a mantra, that I say out loud, when death and pain and suffering are not understandable and I feel like there is no way out. I call it my thank you God prayer. Here’s how it goes. When death and pain and suffering are overwhelming, it is natural that when you talk to God, the biggest question you want to ask is why? When you are deep in sadness and loss, and you don’t know how you will get out of it, try this. It works for me. Instead of asking God why?, I skip that question. Instead, I start with the very smallest idea of thanks. The tiniest seed of gratitude. I say it out loud, and I say, “thank God for Bea.” From there I continue with anything that comes to my mind. “Thank God that I was able to know her for all of her 38 years. Thank God she was there to protect me and nurture me and grow up with me. Thank God she taught me about beauty. Thank God she taught me about color and composition and how incredible a part of life art can be. Thank God she taught me about inclusion and actions. Thank God she brought me my best friends.” I continue, and I continue. When I run out of things to thank God for, even temporarily, I just say it again and again. “Thank God, thank God.” This is my thank God prayer. The abundance of gratitude and the mantra of this prayer has worked every time to turn my darkest moments to peace. I hope you remember it when you feel lost, and that is also works for you. How You Will Feel Tomorrow Next, I want to address your memories of Bea. When tomorrow comes, from time to time, you will remember Bea. Chances are you will smile, feel a surge of love in your heart, and then immediately be knocked down by the sadness of her no longer being alive. I think this is unfair. Should every beautiful memory of Bea be overtaken by the sadness of her absence? I don’t think so. What I propose to you is that you separate these two emotions, and I am here to tell you that it is possible. Yes, it is sad that Bea is no longer here, and we can no longer share with her in the same way, but let us be clear about what we are mourning. We are mourning all of the future memories that we will not have the chance to enjoy. We are not mourning the loss of our past memories. We will always have these, and they are beautiful. I don’t want your past memories to be tarnished by the mourning of future memories. I want to protect past memories so that they bring you life and inspiration and strength and love. So when you feel the surge of sadness that will accompany your past memories of Bea, try to stop it in its tracks. Separate the glory of past memories from the loss of future ones. It may seem difficult, but I know it is possible, and I want you to cherish those past memories that we will never lose. A Short But Complete Life What else is unfair? How could it be fair for Bea to have been given such a short life? How can we come to terms with Bea having only been given a life of 38 years? My wife died at 40, and this is how I feel about her unnaturally short life and Bea’s. I start with a belief. I believe that everyone lives a complete life. What does that mean? That means that we are each given the opportunity to live a full life regardless of the amount of time God has given us. I believe that everyone, the young child, the centenarian, Sarah, and Bea, in spite of the duration of their lives, they each live a complete life. So, even Bea’s life of 38 years, however short it may seem, was a complete life. Bea lived a complete life, and so will each one of us. We are lucky that our complete lives have intersected with hers. This intersections of Bea’s complete life and ours is her gift to us. I ask you to reflect on the intersection of Bea’s complete life with yours. Whether that time is measured in weeks or decades, you can choose how you will carry that intersection with you for the remainder of your complete life. I don’t have a hole in my heart, her intersection with my complete life will be a part of my heart, and I will carry her there always, a part of all the love I will experience for the rest of my complete life. As You Leave Today As you leave today, I want you to remember: There is no timeline for mourning. There is no process or goal. Grief is a personal journey, and it does not end, it becomes a part of us. I hope my words help us carry Bea in our hearts, mourn the loss of our future memories and celebrate the gift of her complete life for the rest of ours . - 9 -